Round 29 of chemo has come and gone with no major dramas. Here is me on the way home. I'm wrapped up because I'm back on the chemo that gives me a numb tingling reaction to cold temperatures. You can't see much from the photo but I'm wearing a dress I've had for about 10 years or so. I bought it new but at a massive discount, and I remember when I got it home realising what a cheaply made garment it was, and thinking what a rip-off it would have been at full price. Still, I paid very little for me and it's done me well over the years. It doesn't have pockets but I found I can tuck my chemo bottle in the top over the belt detail quite easily.
I've learnt an awful lot of things since my diagnosis. Or is that a lot of awful things? No, I've learnt a lot of things, and some of them have been bad, but some of them have been good too. Some of them are facts, and some of them are life lessons.
One thing that I only figured out on my trip to the UK in September last year was this. You can't protect people. You can try. But it's not really protecting them. I thought I was protecting people. Then I wondered if I thought I was protecting myself. But actually I was just delaying peoples opportunity to process the truth. Learning this didn't really change my behavior though.
Another thing that only dawned on me recently was that people translate a positive attitude into a positive prognosis. I didn't mean to mislead people. But I may have done so inadvertently.
Since Round 29 I've had a CT scan too. And I've had the results. And I've had a little time to process it. I need more. But that is the thing, isn't it. We all want more time.
Chemo is no longer working. I am out of options. My tumors are very aggressive. It's a hard thing to share. Because I don't like focusing on bad news or potentially upsetting people. But if this news upsets you, well, then the sooner you hear it the better, not sharing it will not protect you from the inevitable.
As I write this I'm still pretty comfortable, and I will write again very soon to let you know what you can do and say at this time, but I will just quickly say I don't need food or flowers or gifts. If you still really want to spend some money on me you can donate some money to our fundraising page. We still have a lot of appointments to attend and expenses to pay. Our Cancer Fund